I do. Most of the time life is just routine and I don't even think of him. Or when I do it is a funny memory and I laugh. It isn't even the fact that he is gone that gets me. It's that next week he still will be. Next month. Next year. All my life. My kids will only have stories and pictures to remember. I never know whether to tell people "I have six brother's or I HAD six brothers".
Less often now, but it still happens. I play the phone call through my head. It was not quite six in the morning. The moment I looked at the clock as the phone rang I knew something was wrong. I leapt out of bed and grabbed my phone from where it was charging. It was Mom. Her voice a forced calm. Asking if Stephen is home. My mind thinks "Oh no, Dad...." Then she says "Bill died". Wait, what?? He's only 30. I saw him last week! I'm in too much shock to cry. I just tell her okay. Do I need to call anyone. She says no, she'll do it.
My brothers 'left' and I call each other as we get the news. The tears come. This can't be right. God says we can raise the dead... do I have the faith. I call brothers. They are thinking the same thing. We begin fasting. Tell friends who will stand with us. So sure. Pumped. Excited!
Then coming home... Did we hear wrong? Did we give up too soon? Was our faith not strong enough? I still don't know. But I do know that God is in control no matter what.
I miss you so much Bill. I love you brother.