Never Enough

No matter how much time you spend with those you love, no matter how close knit of a family you are, once you know that you won't get to see someone from your family again until your time on earth is over, the time you did have just doesn't seem like enough.
Until this past week I had never lost anyone REALLY close to me. I have lost grandparents, which is very hard, but when it's your brother it is something altogeher different.
I don't know if it is from being in a semi large family, or if it has to do with being homeschooled, or just the way we were parented, but my family has always been extremely close.
I didn't agree with the way my brother lived. In fact, our lifestyles were nearly polar opposite, but that didn't keep us from loving to be together and have fun. We always have so much fun together.
My older brother Bill died early Saturday morning. His 31st birthday will be April 29th, the day after Ben and Paula's wedding. Bill was always up for a good time, and loved to spend time with his family. I was on the phone with him right before I shot that deer the night before Dakota was born. He thought that was awesome. He loved to dare people to do things. Or he'd say if I did some goofy thing he'd give me a dollar and then ask to borrow a dollar. He loved to laugh and would do anything for a laugh. There are so many things now I wish I hadn't been too afraid to tell him. I DID tell him I loved him. But I wish I'd told him how proud I was that he was trying to get clean. I kept meaning to, but I never really thought this would happen. I thought I had time. I hope his 3 year old daughter will remember him. He loved her so much. I know this is rambly and random, I just needed to tell.... someone. Bill I love you so much. I will miss your laughter. I will miss your phone calls that lasted SOO long that I was looking for reasons to get off the phone so I could actually get something done. I'm sorry. I wouldn't try to get off the phone now. I'd love a call. Chris misses you. A lot. You were his best friend. Not having you to see when he gets out is going to be hard for him. I wish I could give him a hug. At least the rest of us have each other to lean on. I miss you so much brother, and I hope a day doesn't go by that I don't think of you.